Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
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It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
“our sushi is very fresh”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention