idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
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2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.