A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
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The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃