I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots