eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
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WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars