[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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ME: finally a program for me
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me when my alarm goes off
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.