instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.