The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Brilliant!
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie