For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
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GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.