“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
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I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air