[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
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Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Canada has crack?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
🦝🔥🦝🔥