#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.