I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
PARKOUR
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!