My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?