[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
You Might Also Like
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
oppen heimer style lol
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again