Love thy neighbor’s dog
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
The 6 types of sex
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind