Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand