I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Hey i am sexy to you now
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor