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Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
You are not alone 💚
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean