me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
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My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”