It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton