who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
All is fair in drunk and war.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<