Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
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The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
A ghost story
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Order here:
More here:
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.