Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
You Might Also Like
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
*launders Kohls cash*
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans