I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.