cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.