Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
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I am, perchance
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…