I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
You Might Also Like
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling