I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
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ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”