Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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new wife guy just dropped
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
pizza
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”