Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
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My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving