my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.