meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
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There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.