Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
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me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Welcome to the stomach
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday