New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
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I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.