[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
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PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle