Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
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Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Never be a pizza!
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring