Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
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1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.