9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
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The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means