Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
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My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
“TGIM!” – My liver
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.