“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I pray every night that I never become religious…