The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
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The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
The fall of Netflix
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Attacked by a mop.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends