ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
You Might Also Like
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”