I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[at the general store]
me: one general please
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.