Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best: