road rage
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no!! no!!!!!!
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade