When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred