Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.