I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
#parenting
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.