*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Not😆🤣
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Tony Hawk, age 6
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing